Friday, April 28, 2006

a heady mix of relief and regret, but let's try not to forget that i still have one paper, started behaving as though exams were over before exams started. i did all the things i've been putting off these 2 weeks, namely: play with my dog, laugh at (with?) my dad, play guitar and sing and go for supper with peaches. note to self: please remember that you don't like the ais milo at the prata place, you like the teh tarik.

tau huay and coffee for breakfast is another mix i generally would not advise. a bit weird at first, and then after a while, both things end up tasting the same.

i'm no coffee connoisseur, i just like my coffee sweet and strong. condensed milk please!

yucky breakfast aside, the best part of this morning was sitting and thinking and being. today is a samuel beckett day. i saw glints of silver thread in the trees, glistening in the benign morning sun. though i could not find the centre of the web, nor see the spider, i knew it was there, and i was probably staring right through it and not seeing. it reminded me how Man percieves only but part of the reality around us, tiniest fraction, and often, percieves even that wrongly. so finite, so limited, the span of our years and what we can understand within that time. and no, i'm not just saying that because of exams. haha.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. How I know in part but then I shall know just as I also am known.
And how abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Cor 13:9-13

Have you always suspected that there was something underneath it all, something that had to be there and you were somehow not able to percieve? Some great truth that was being veiled? Red pill or Blue pill? haha no... it's not the matrix, let me assure you. I think its the knowledge of God, more than how we can know him now, given the finiteness of our minds and His infiniteness, perfect knowledge, even as we are known by Him. And greatest of all aspects of God, we need to know His love.

I've always felt that nobody really understands me 100%, which is, of course, an unreasonable thing to demand. I personally find myself thoroughly confusing; by no means do I expect non-me people to understand. but God knows, He percieves and understands, He sees my heart and my motives, so much more clearly than I do, for i often feel like i'm holding a boxing match with myself in the dark (compare with Paul: Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Cor 9: 26-27). To be known, to be found, that is the christian experience.

God, I can't wait to see you face to face, not like now, through a glass, darkly. To know in perfection and not in part. I'm reminded that no apex of human learning, science, philosophy, inquiry or endeavour, can ever divine the truth of reality. Give me the eyes of faith to percieve, give me hope to hold on to till then, give me your love, without which i am nothing.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

found in molecular biology notes:

the activation domain of CREB (cAMP-response element binding protein) also exists as an unstructured random structure with strong negative charge.

unstructured random structure!

incidentally, orderly chaotic order is how i would describe the way my mind works.

the Tan family's 5 tell-tale signs the daughter is having exams

1. sleeps alot more. but not in own room, because notes and things are all over bed.
2. walks around with notes in hand, but never reads them.
3. invades rooms of other family members, sleeps on their beds, eats whatever is available, and watches TV. (kinda like goldilocks)
4. dustbin in her room contains nothing but ice cream and chocolate wrappers (at last count, 2 out of the 6 magnums mum bought, one cornflakes ritter sport, one oreos wafer stick)
5. strange, intermittent, unintelligible outbursts such as: "MRFPH!" or "CHINESE HAMSTER OVARY?!?" or "STUPID LAC OPERON!"

Thursday, April 20, 2006

pineapple!
if youre feeling stressed from the exams now, try listening to ben shyen yodel =) ben, you make me smile, like always =)

FINALLY!

after countless hours of revision and nit-picking, i printed out my LSM2202 lab report at 3:10am, having become absolutely revulsed by endless revisions. my latent perfectionist streak manifests itself. fiddling with section breaks and trying to make my graphs next to my tables took as inordinate amount of time, as did trying to shorten the report a few lines so that it would fit into the pages nicely, as well as the neurotic graph and diagram colour changes. but i eventually reached saturation point at 3am. no more!, i cried, to myself (which might seem to be a strange thing to do, no?), i really should at least start studying, i have other subjects you know!? but even as it was being printed out, i suddenly thought of a million other things i wanted to change about the report. eeks. but no, i shall resist the irresistable call of "re-do!", and fall into the irresistable arms of sleep.

right after i sing this song, that is.

New Slang :: The Shins

Gold teeth and a curse for this town
Were all in my mouth
Only I don't know how
They got out, dear
Turn me back into the pet
I was when we met
I was happier then
With no mindset

And if you'd a'took to me like
A gull takes to the wind
Well, i'd a'jumped from my trees
And i'd a'danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would a'fared well

New slang, when you noticed the stripes
The dirt in your fries
Hope it's right when you die
Old and bony
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall
And I'm lonely

And if you'd a'took to me like
A gull takes to the wind
Well, i'd a'jumped from my trees
And i'd a'danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would a'fared well

Godspeed, all the bakers at dawn
May they all cut their thumbs
And bleed into their buns
Till they melt away

I'm looking in, on the good life
I might be doomed never to find
Without a trust or flaming fields
Am I too dumb to find?

And if you'd a'took to me like
Well, i'd a'jumped from my trees
And i'd a'danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would a'fared well

Saturday, April 15, 2006

my dog, the world's most handsome inverted-lampshade wearer.

total damage: $119
other than bearing the indignity of the cone until his skin clears up, he'll have to spend the rest of his life on hormone tablets too. my poor baby.

i gave him a bath today, the whole process took nearly 2 hours. after catching him and soaping him down, you have to leave the shampoo on for half an hour. Then i attempted to cut his nails, which he resisted, and after another half an hour of trying, i gave that up too. Then i had to blow-dry his fur, because damp fur will aggravate the infection.

it was fun though, getting wet and chasing the dog around the front porch. was a lovely scorcher of a day too, felt good to be alive, the sun on your face and cool water running from the hose in your hand.

poor mingbaby has been bumping into things on account of the cone. he seems rather upset. i'm very amused with him though, he's super cute when he gets sian, got this forlon, literally puppy dog look.

before the bath, i played piano for about an hour. i actually enjoyed it, even my exam pieces. don't know what got into me, just felt like it. maybe because my mum threatened to sell it last week?

this is bad, i'm in holiday mode already.

Turn aside from your hypocrisy
Your insistent demand for your rights
And look upon the one who demands mercy
As He bleeds upon the Cross
And be silent in your shame
In the deafening silence
That follows the murderous call for blood
That resonated in your own voice
You dare not ask, "What have we done?"
For you already know, all too well

In humility return to grace
For there is no other way to salvation
Aside from His precious promises
There is no good thing
Apart from Him, we are nothing
Everything pales in comparison
And fades to insignificance
All humanity's achievement and most cherised ideals
Turn to offense and refuse
In the light of His surpassing excellence

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I'M HEADED FOR THE HIMALAYAS!!!

This summer, as part of the Global Programme initiative, we are bringing to you the Himalayan Expedition 2006.

In this fieldtrip, you get to travel to the township of Dehradun and Tuini in the Himalaya with our Biodiversity and Conservation Biology lecturer, Prof. Pandit. Through this trip, you will explore the biodiversity of Himalaya’s ecological systems and the sustainability issues of modern development.

Fieldwork will be carried out in two phases. In the first phase, all participants will undergo an orientation programme on the activities of the Himalayan Action Research Center (HARC), an NGO based in Dehradun.

In the second phase, you will travel to a high altitude Himalayan region known as Tuini where you will gain hands on experience in the field. There will also be presentations by the local and regional planning and development authorities and heads of some of the leading NGO’s involved in sustainable developmental work.

During the fieldtrip, USP students will have the chance to visit the following sites:

Wildlife Institute of India
Valley of Flowers
Primary Health Centers
Apple Growers in high altitude areas
Micro Hydel Project
GRAMYA Project of Uttranchal Decentralized Watershed Development Project
Nehru Institute of Mountaineering
Others

this holiday sudden looks ALOT more exciting!
it's never been better being a USP student, not that its ever not been good. i still don't see why people choose not to apply.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

sigh, misunderstood again.

i love subtlety and how language can be so ambiguous. i'm not one to be so blatant or explicit, but it seems i need to be.
Ivan Leong et al, I hereby do solemly declare that NO, i am NOT attached or even thinking about it and i have no idea what on earth gave you that idea. This is also addressed to people who have let their over-active imagination run amok.
it's not said with any feeling or judgement, as though it were a good or bad thing. i'm just stating the facts, blase about it.

ok, now that that's been settled.

in other news, my brother got an ipod nano for his 15th birthday. everyone has an ipod nano!!! first manda, then riz, now my own brother. but i don't really want an ipod myself, i like to listen to my music with 100% concentration, not while i'm walking or in the bus. i like daydreaming and looking out the window in silence when i'm on the bus. i just think ipod penetration rates are incredibly high, given the anecdotal evidence.

and yes, the "light" version of anything will probably suck. there was a promotion at the petrol station for Magnum light, 2 for $3.90, so me and skin dog had one each. and well, it sucks. but my dog seems to like it. well, at least someone does.

clarification: skin dog is my brother darryl, my dog is my dog russ aka fluffbutt aka pookypoo aka minkywinks

i find clarifications and explanations tiresome! I'm not writing an academic essay here, i'm writing a blog! i should not need to explain myself to anyone.

anyway

thank you jian ming for the CD! yup, i like the U2 muchly, and i'm still checking the aimee mann albums out, but so far so good =) nice seeing you at FT today!

two years into my science degree and i still keep getting mistaken for an arts student, even by my USP science advanced course-based module classmates. (like hello, why would i be taking such icky modules if i were an arts student? for fun?) then there's Chels who is convinced that i would be good at either lit or philo, and Clem who thinks i should do lit. sometimes, when my core module grades are so mediocre, i think i'm in the wrong fac too.

ah well. back to studying for thai oral exam tmr and metab test on thursday... but sometimes my left eye feels like its going to pop out! i keep having to take off my specs and press my eye to reassure myself that its going to stay there. kinda reminds me of the Corpse Bride. Life does feel a little Burton-esque right now.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Word of the Day for Tuesday April 4, 2006

brummagem \BRUHM-uh-juhm\, adjective:
Cheap and showy, tawdry; also, spurious, counterfeit.

But demanding that publishers replace their brummagem wares
with books which embody Kunin's "high standards of
excellence" would be a promising -- and cost-free -- way to
begin.
--Betty McCollister, "A Conspiracy of Good Intentions:
America's Textbook Fiasco," [1]Humanist, November-December,
1993

The distortions they bring on damage society and fuel
defiant behavior, encouraging everything from immigrations
to the Cayman Islands, to active distortions of reality
through brummagem corporate filings.
--William F. Buckley, Jr., "Reforming the Rich,"
[2]National Review, January 20, 2006
_________________________________________________________

Brummagem is an alteration of Birmingham, England, from the
counterfeit groats produced there in the 17th century.

hey... that's where they posted me for exchange.
hmmmm.
secondly, what the heck is a groat?

I hate complexity.
today is a REM day

When the day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well, hang on
Don’t let yourself go, cause everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone
If you feel like letting go
When you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well, hang on

Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand
Oh, no don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

You’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much
Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes

Monday, April 03, 2006

horrible day.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Thanks for praying with me today
for persisting and seeing past the paper-thin "OK"
for patience as i learn to be vulnerable and trust
I can't and i won't pretend with you
Love and gratitude

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Another lazy afternoon in the gardens of my imagination
The fleurs run riot, riot on an empty street, i said
I like that song, i said to no one in particular
yes, me too, the rejoinder
I'd like to travel the world, its all we talk about these days
Don't be so emo, we both know you don't like filling out forms
but perhaps this time, i shall. i do that sometimes.
yes, you are quite the fluctuating one
like the weather?
something like that. well, have you decided?
i think i'll have more lemonade please
and a hammock, and more endless afternoons




Enough enough enough I implode I confess the duplicity implicated is too much for me to take let me lay the cards out on the table the game is over and I was out of trumps anyway I was just about to say that I was happy but my laughter betrayed me and I’m sorry i’m not in control right now but when was I ever not again not now lets pretend it will be over soon

all of you is more than enough for all of me
still more awesome than i know


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